Somber Saturday - Still Waiting

 

I feel as though the day between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday gets overlooked. I hear often "don't forget the cross and skip straight the the resurrection."

 But what about Saturday? What about the waiting and weeping?

As I dove into Luke 22 and 23 today, I can relate to several of the folks intentionally mentioned in this account. In the unknown and grief, they were deeply deeply sad. The kind of sad that feels like it might just swallow you up completely but then you remember to take a big gasp of air again. Their grief was public, unashamed and certainly not cute. Though not written, I can imagine that the followers of Christ -His disciples in particular- were feeling lost and unsure of what is next. They had such great joy and hope and in a moment, it was taken from them.
In this account though, I think I relate most to the women. They were loyal and loving to Christ, even after his death. As they trudged up the hill, they wept. As they stood and watched it unfold before their eyes, they wept. And then, in the midst of their grief, aimlessness and longing, they kept going. Even in the midst of their deep, scary, unknown, the world kept on turning, Christ body needed preparing and the Sabbath needed to be observed. Christ promised goodness was coming, but I can't imagine they were seeing even a hint of goodness on the horizon in the midst of their hurt.

I can so deeply relate to the feelings of this Somber Saturday. (does it have a more official name?) April 4th marked 7 months of waiting to be matched for our embryo adoption and we are still waiting. We had two almost matches, but neither of them worked out so, we are back in the queue. There isn't anything we can do to make the waiting stage any faster, we just have to sit in it. And, life continues to move on around us even in our pain and grief.

I am confident that Christ has promised parenthood to Alec and me. I am not certain of how or when, but I know someway and some how this will happen for us.
(*Its okay if you disagree with my theology or understanding ;) )

 I am certain that Christ promised goodness and it is coming. But, dang. Some days? There isn't even a hint of goodness on the horizon. The pain and grief and longing and aimlessness about swallows me whole until I take another gasp for air in my husbands arms as I stealthily wipe my faucet of a nose on his soft shirt. "Lord, when is the goodness coming? When will the hurting stop hurting so much? When will your promise come to be?"

Sometimes the Somber Saturdays are exhausting and painful. Other times, we can see the hints of hope on the horizon. Here are a few hints of hope carrying us through:
- We have settled into a rental home that accommodates having my mom live with us and space to host people we love dearly. There is also a room I have named the Hope Room- one day it will be a nursery. 

- I get to start a new job mid April! I will still be working in Public Health, but now I get to provide home visits, build relationships with families and help them find the supports and resources they need to thrive. Think of it is a mash up of a postpartum doula, social worker and CNA. I haven't been excited to go to work in a long time and I am feeling hopeful that this role will help me use my gifts and talents more fully.

- Alec is music directing this Spring and he loves it. It reminds him of his 'why' and even though he is a little sleepier, he is smiling more.

And of course, we are humbled and given hope when we see the community that is supporting us. I have people sharing with me that they believe there is a miracle in store for us. And so many have graciously given financially to make embryo adoption possible for us. Thank you! 

So, long story short, we are still waiting. BUT I am praying that I can be a bit more like Joseph of Arimathea. I want to 'wait expectantly for the Kingdom of God' and also for the goodness He has in store.
And in the meantime, I am off to go prep oils and spices for our first holiday meal in this new home.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany Martinez