eagerly embracing His creativity

Oh how abundant is your goodness.. Psalm 31:19 

Yesterday afternoon, I wasn’t sure if I was congested and sniffling from the crying or from a summer cold. Turns out it was because of both. I am writing, curled up in bed with my giant Doodle keeping me company as I continue to sniffle. 

We got the email yesterday morning that we were passed up again. That we were ‘swiped left’ on. No match was made.

Our case manager or as I lovingly think of her; our Yente - sends the same exact rejection email every time. “The couple really liked you but they decided to choose another couple. I’m so sorry! We will keep working to find the right match”.

What I am struggling with is the weariness and the mystery. Is there something that is changeable that could make a better first impression? Do people desire more detail straight away? Or maybe less? Maybe they are hoping for more professional photography or maybe more candids? We simply don’t know.

We also don’t know who we are up against. Each time we are presented alongside 3 or 4 other couples that also want to have children. Our story and situation isn’t unique or unfamiliar in this pool of people. I was sharing with my counselor that I feel like I am on some weird, mixed up infertile version of The Bachelor and instead of roses, embryos are being handed out.

As Alec and I continue down this intentional road to parenthood, we are becoming more sure that there is so little we have control over. I am learning and accepting that Alec and I have been called to parenthood. I am also learning and accepting that our God is so creative and there are so many ways to parent! 

Alec and I are being active in our obedience and opening all the doors to parenthood and surrendering to our creative God with a child-like eagerness. 

While we are still waiting in the Embryo Adoption que, we have also begun the process to become resource (or foster) parents in our community. We have love, time, space, stability and energy to offer, whether it be for a little time or a long time. Yes, we know this is a big undertaking. Yes, we know these kids come with trauma. Yes, we know its hard. And yes, we have talked with my mom (since she shares our home with us) about these things too and she is also onboard and ready for the adventure.

I think that I have this deep wound from the world (Church) that unconventional = unholy. That if stories aren’t neat and linear, they aren’t pleasing to God. As I continue to tend to this wound and hold these thoughts up to the Light, I am realizing that that is a bunch of bull. Jesus’s entire ministry was unconventional. The people He hung out with made folks do a double take. Nothing was linear and few things made sense. There were more questions than answers.

So - as Alec and I are now closer to 30 than we are 20, a little nugget of wisdom I am carrying along with us on this journey is that our unconventional story will make people turn their heads. It will make people feel awkward, uncomfortable, or ashamed to be around us at times. It will appear as though we are doing things ‘out of order’. We will keep asking questions and listening closely for the few answers that are offered. And this unconventional story of ours still gets to be blessed, set apart and made holy.  I - a recovering people pleaser - am working on remembering that we and our story don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea. But, for those that do love and cherish us deeply, I will sit and have a cup of tea anytime!

So, thanks for stopping by and peaking into my heart for a few minutes. His goodness is abundant, even in the moments when it doesn’t quite feel like it. May we chase it down and seek it out in this coming week in the places and spaces that feel like even the most mundane and simple.